


The Woman I Was

by ArtsyGirl



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Abortion, Alcohol, Angst, Backstory, Before The Bombs Fell, Before Total Nuclear Anihilation, Brothers, Eventual Romance, F/M, Funerals, Gangs, Minor Character Death, Past, Pre-War, Pregnancy, References to Drugs, Siblings, Slow Burn, Swearing, Unplanned Pregnancy, Wakes & Funerals, not romance oriented
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 07:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16154144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtsyGirl/pseuds/ArtsyGirl
Summary: Nora had a life before the wasteland, before the vault 111.This is taking a look into the sole survivor's past and geting to know the person who she was.





	1. I, Nora

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the backstories of one of my fallout 4 characters. I wrote it for the sake of her having a somewhat defined history and posted it because... why not.

  
I grew up in a normal lower-class family. Parents were good hard working people who never took the easy way out. I had two older brothers Johnny and Drake.  
  
Our parents raised us to be good people to never follow others because we are to reach for the stars, but considering the situation we were in - it was difficult. We lived in a place where gangs ruled and to survive you either joined or paid up for ‘protection’. That attitude in the place was what kept people in there, stuck not being able to become more and rise higher.  
  
Da was an engineer and ma a seamstress for some little boutique. They didn’t earn much just barely enough to keep the family afloat. Brother Johnny was 6 years older and Drake was 2 years older than me.  
  
Growing up was fun and dangerous. In places like that the kids all know each other and are close, no child is alone. It is strange how in that place the kids stuck together and made bonds that lasted for life. Each generation had their own connections. It’s Funny how they were like a second family to me. We trusted each other more than even our own parents, the bonds of kid-hood were strong.  
  
Most kids back in the day went to some sort public schools, but even those available for the likes of us, the lower class, were carp and if you wanted a little more education then the parents had to pay. Me and my brothers were lucky because our parents they paid…other kids they just sat their times in the class or skipped it all entirely. It was what you made of yourself because no one out there cared, not really. Not of the poor kids from getos and their socially ‘improper’ areas. We were just an inconvenience, an eyesore on the grand scheme of the great US cityscape.  
  
My eldest brother, he was the best student who was very active and got only A-s in school, I really looked up to him and wanted to be like him but The gene of responsibility and will to put oneself to study was weak in me so I was the average student who got into a lot of trouble. My other brother Drake he was school wise somewhere between me and Johnny, he was always good at keeping a low profile. Kind of like Deacon…  
  
In my family I always felt different like I fit but then I didn’t. The others were levelheaded, rational, working in the moment for the better future type of people, but I lived in the moment, lived for the fun and adrenaline, didn’t care much for the future, cared for the right now. I was the black sheep of the family.  
  
With years I grew more and more distant from my parents. I was rarely home for dinner time because if I’d been there then da would go again with his lecturing that I have so much potential but I’m wasting it, that I should live for the future, get my act together be more like my eldest brother… Each time the lecture was the same, in the beginning calm later a full blown screaming match between me and my folks. It would be better to let them just be, less nerves eaten.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There is no heavier burden than an unfulfilled potential." - Charles Schulz

  
A memory of the pre-war Nora…  


  
What potential do I have? All I’m kind of good at is pissing people off and getting into trouble. The street family, the band of our generation of kids understands me, they know what I feel, they know that no one leaves this place so why try? They are a fun bunch, they do a little too much drugs and drinking but otherwise they’re alright. I usually try to keep away from the mind rotting stuff anyway.  
  
I pretty much always sneak back into the house when everyone is asleep; no yelling then, but my big bro he sometimes waits up for me. Despite all we get along very well. He is a dreamer who just wants to get away from this place and I’m a realist who likes to dream for the fun of it. Makes no sense, right? - Wrong! It makes all the sense in the world to me.  
  
With Johnny I can talk about worldly problems and help him dream up a future for himself, he doesn’t talk about my poor choices and the trouble and strangely enough that always leaves me feeling that I should clean up my act and be more like him. Without Johnny I’d probably fallen somewhere deep. J is a bright light in my life.  
  
On the weekends Johnny and I used to sneak away and just talk while I drew. He liked to drag me into interesting places, I think he liked my rubbish art and I liked it even though I knew it wouldn’t take me nowhere in my life.  
  
Years passed and One by one we finished school. I was left back 2 times but because of J kept trying to help me keep my act together in school and finish with more good grades than bad ones.  
  
During that time I saw more and more how each of us in the fam had changed or become more themselves. Parents they had accepted that they’d stay here forever while working their asses off with the scum… now speaking of scum with time I realized more and more that my eldest bro didn’t belong here, he was too good for this place, he deserved the whole world and he didn’t want to be weighed down by all of ‘THIS’. The decision making time for Johnny was being delayed because he had a hard time leaving us behind to struggle. Drake he was well…Drake, a person who got on with everyone, he was known by everyone and somehow when things went to shite being unnoticed by all, if he’d been born in a different place then he’d make a great spy or a politician. And finally me, I’ve pretty much stayed the same, got curvier but that’s all. Still getting into trouble, now there are more drugs and alcohol tho.  
  
The ‘protection’ fees were ramped up again so everyone in the family had to pull their weight. Hell even I got a job. It is nothing much, just a bartender in a run-down shite hole. To be honest I only took it because of the night shifts so that way I’d come into contact with my family a lot less. And so far the no fam contacts seems to be working.  
  
To think of it: me having a job like that wouldn’t be possible in other ‘proper’ places, only down here, in our rotten community, a 16 year old could pretty have the rights of a 21 year old’s as well as the liabilities.  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Considered enlisting in the army a rite of passage into manhood." - Mary Shea

Pre-war Nora’s memories: Johnny enlists…  
  
  
  
Finished with my shift time to head home, sweet silence for hours, my time alone…  
  
Made it to the house. I take my keys from my bag, but the door is ajar. Damn it did someone break in again? I push it open and see my brother, Johnny, in the middle of the living room being surrounded by piles of his clothes and other stuff. Is he going somewhere? Is he packing right now? Shit he finally built up the courage to leave us, leave me. Hell I knew he wanted more from life than to live here, but it didn’t prepare me for him walking out on us.  
  
Aw crap there is pressure building behind my eyes, my heart is pumping faster and this weird scratchy feeling is gnawing at my throat. What a baby I am, I don’t even know what J is doing and I’m already going to cry.  
  
Johnny sees me standing there. “Hey little sis! Would you come here for a moment I’ve got something to tell you.”  
  
I take a few deep breaths and count to five in my head, now is not the time to be a crybaby. I sit in front of our couch in the living room and lean on the piece of furniture. He throws the last bag to the other ones and sits next to me “Hey kiddo, I’ve got some big news!”  
  
I can’t look him into the eyes so I stare at the ground, holding back my tears.  
  
He leans back on the couch “I’m leaving.”  
  
I try to act tough but it comes out as biter sarcasm “Wouldn’t have guessed, thought you were just throwing out old junk.”  
  
“Well some of it is old junk… so you aren’t totally wrong.” Why does he have to be such a ray of sunshine? - A persistent ray of sunshine. “But aren’t you wondering where I’m taking the junk?”  
  
“Does it matter? I always knew that you are going to leave this shithole.” My voice is already shaky and the tears are at the corners of my eyes.  
  
“You have always been the observant one… more so than me. But I digress. I’m enlisting.”  
  
“Wait what?! Enlisting where? With who?”  
  
“The army, kiddo.”  
  
I finally dare to make eye contact because the anger has put the tears on hold. “Are you insane, it is dangerous! You have so much potential for something greater!”  
  
“Oh look who is giving me a lecture on potential. But you see the world is in a delicate state and right now people are needed to make things right before things get worse. We here are a community that has little connection to the outside world but when something big happens out there then we are affected by it. Right now something big may be coming if there aren’t brave souls to step up against it.”  
  
“First low blow and second why you, why not someone else?”  
  
“I know it is hard to understand, but think of it: if every other soldier would think that someone else will do it then there would be no one left fighting the wars. And before you try then no there is no way to talk me out of it.”  
  
That is a shocker. The war… It is an ugly thing where people get killed, fields turn grey, cities get bombed. “When?”  
  
“Tomorrow morning. I’ll be in the own with some other recruits then we’ll be picked up and taken for training.” Tomorrow already. Shit.  
  
“Will you leave us totally behind, get out of here and forget that we exist?”  
  
“I could never forget about you guys, you are my family,” He nudges my shoulder “and YOU my favorite family member.” He knows how to make me smile.  
  
“Promise me that you’ll be in touch with us.”  
  
“Of course, you silly.”  
  
“No a real promise, cross your heart and hope to die or stick a needle in your eye. No lies.”  
  
“What a grim sounding promise but fine: I cross my heart and hope to die if I brake the promise to keep in touch.”  
  
I bring out my pinky and keep a straight face. “Pinky seal.”  
  
Johnny smiles back to me. “Pinky seal.”  
  
“So have you told the family yet?”  
  
“Not really, mom would keep me here by force and father would give me one of his lectures. I’m just going to leave a nice long message to explain it all.” J isn’t perfect either. He too avoids our parents. It is strange how I never saw that he just wanted to please them by being perfect. Now that he is doing something they most certainly will disapprove of he is ducking it. He is like me after all.  
  
“Why tell me then?”  
  
“You are my true best friend even if we are different we always get along and at least try to understand each other.”  
  
I snort. “I don’t know if I should count myself lucky or not.”  
  
“You and lucky, never. Before I go would you be up for a walk in the park, you know the big one in the center of the big city?”  
  
“It is a beautiful day… so sure.”  
  
“Awesome, grab your sketchbook. I want a personal reminder of home done by my baby sister.”  
  
He has always liked my shabby art, if it could be even called that. Even when I was a wee kid then my da told I was wasting time but Johnny, he, cheered me up and told me too keep at it.

 

We navigate the city streets filling the time we have with idle chatter. God damn it I’m going to miss him so much.  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "...Writing letters is thinking, just as talking to you is thinking." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Memory of self-reflection on Johnny enlisting…  
  
  
  
With Jonny gone I felt empty, less a part of the family and even more meaningless than before.  
  
Johnny kept his promise, he wrote to us, seriously he wrote us real letters on paper, that sappy ole romantic, calling would be faster and cheaper but he said it was more personal this way. He sent letters twice every week, with each post-delivery one letter to the whole family and one personal one for me. These letters were the tiny speck of happiness in my life. When I read one then it felt like after a long while I could breathe again. To me he wrote some silly jokes and talked about the things he didn’t want parents to know.  
  
During the time of his training he wrote to us a lot, but when the missions started he fell under the grid. We rarely heard of him and when the few letters arrived then they felt off, like he was different... I hoped that the war out there wouldn’t change him much, there have been more than enough men who have come back as another person, never going back to the shining people they were before. Crap, I truly hope that this isn’t the case with him.  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Friends are like stars, they come and go, but the ones that stay are the ones that glow." - Roxy Quiksilver

Pre-war Nora’s memories…

  
With Johnny gone getting by financially was hard, we were feeling the pressure, the damned ‘protection’ fees kept on climbing, the fucking assholes didn’t care if people were left with enough money to get food for themselves. I had been working every night for two weeks straight, I was so tired, I had no life outside work, it was just hell.  
  
I took two days off from work, hoping I could sleep 48 hours straight and then go for 3 weeks night shifts, but plans change. An old friend called me to live a little and I thought why not. The childhood friends were still keeping together, we were and still are like a family of sorts, a family that is getting always smaller because life in this place isn’t precious it is cheap and fucking hard and dangerous. Only last week Jen had overdosed on some new experimental drugs that the drug companies needed to test on people, the fuckers had calculated the doses wrong and she paid the steep price. I wonder how much people from low places like this sell themselves as guinea pigs to these companies to earn some cash… it is discussing.  
  
On the bright side: one of the people I’m really looking forward to meeting again is one of my best friends, Marcy. We always stuck together when things got too heated in my home I snuck to her place and sometimes vice versa. With her I tried pot and got drunk for the first time, with her we experimented with our sexualities. All of it was fun with Marcy, all of it brought us closer. For a moment in time we were a couple like thing, but it really didn’t work and we decided to stay friends. Since that time we have gotten together less and less. It is sad how the important people sometimes in life fade away just like Johnny and Marcy. There is still time to right some wrongs.  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner." - Oscar Wilde

Pre-War Nora’s memories…

 

  
Alright tonight the old gang is getting back together to get wasted in this new interesting underground club place. We order a few rounds of the club’s signature drinks that glow neon pink and are served in tiny chemistry test tubes. I’m doing shots with Marcy and then everything gets hazy fast, one moment I’m dancing with Caleb, the other I’m laughing frantically and then I’m making out with someone. Then all of a sudden we’re outside and Marcy is waving around with a pistol, we all are laughing, she is trying to shoot some Nuka-cola bottles but she misses miserably, then blur and suddenly I’m the one holding the gun and shooting at the bottles, holly crap I’m actually hitting them then all is fuzzy and the next moment the gun is in Caleb’s hands and one of us is bleeding on the ground it all fades black from there.  


 

The next morning…

  
I wake up with a terrible headache in some strange warehouse. The place is small and smells of vomit and mold. I look around me and see Caleb and the stranger who I was making out the night before; at least I think it is him and a strange black bag, the size of a human. Wonder where the others are and how did we get here.  
  
There are some footsteps and mumbling on the other side of the warehouse door then a click of a lock being opened and then the door itself opening. Two big guys walk in, one is dressed in black leather and other wears a sharp looking suit.  
  
“Look who’s up.” The man in a suit looks over to the other guy; it is dark to make out their faces. “Wake up the others, will ya.”  
  
“Now, now you little trouble maker, do you have any idea what you’ve gotten yourself into?”  
  
Ah shit, I really fucked up this time. “No ideas, just a feeling in my gut that you aren’t happy about something I’ve done.”  
  
He lets out a low rumbling laugh “Happy- no. But the situation isn’t hopeless for neither of us.”  
  
This sounds like I’m in a frigging awful mess, shit girl what have you gotten into.  
  
The fella in leathers is waking my friends and the one other guy, my friends get tied up, he gestures them to stay quiet.  
  
“So do you, missy, have any recollection of what happened last night?”  
  
I think back, but there are blanks and a lot of blurry things. I feel like I know stuff, but th memories just aren’t there. “Went out to have fun with friends and after a few drinks all is fuzzy.”  
  
“I’m not surprised, the place is mine and the house drink is killer but it’s not the point, the point is what you managed to do while heavily intoxicated.”  
  
“What did I do then?”  
  
“See my friend on the floor there, he is a teetotaler and you somehow got him to drink, you got him drunk and he spilled some sensitive information about this warehouse. Then later you shot a person and when time came to hide the body you used the info he gave you to hide it in here. Shit it couldn’t have been easy to get here. You need a key to open the code lock and a code to come inside, he had neither. I don’t know how but you somehow found some of our members and somehow sweet-talked, stole or lured, shit I don’t know exactly but the point is you got in here.”  
  
“Wait so the black bag is the dead body?” he nods and I panic “So I fucking killed a person?! Shit, shit, shit, shit!!! Why? How?”  
  
“Yeah you did, don’t know why, but to the how it is a gunshot and the bleeding out. We’ve got it on video.”  
  
“Wh…who is it?”  
  
“Take a look yourself.”  
  
I go near the bag and pull it open, it already is beginning to stink and in the bag is Marcy, my best friend and ex-girlfriend Marcy. This can’t be true, she can’t be dead. This is a fucking shitty joke! I notice her earring- a tiny white dove, the very same white dove that was supposed to keep us together, keep us from losing touch over time. This is her. I killed my best friend. I fucking killed my friend while drunk. I’m an awful human being. I’m the true scum of humanity. My hands are shaking and so is my voice “What happens now?”  
  
“Now I make a proposition.”  
  
I hold onto my head, dig my shaking hands into my hair “This can’t be good.”  
  
“I propose that you join us, get some training, run some jobs for us and we’ll see how things will go.”  
  
“You kidding me, I can’t join a fucking gang, goes against the way I was raised!”  
  
“Let me put it this way: We have the video evidence that you killed a person, would be a shame if it were brought to light, your family would disown you, friends would turn their backs on you. Who knows what the public will do to you, laws are different here and no-one will protect you. And if that isn’t enough then we know who you are, we know where you live and who you live with, the protection fees may rise even higher so high that they can’t pay it. There are some nasty people out there and without protection there’s no telling what could happen to your family.”  
  
“Fine I’ll do it, just leave my family be.”  
  
“Knew you had brains. Now you don’t have to worry about the body and your friends. The body will be taken care of and your friends they are too doped to notice anything. You are clear minded because we gave you a little something before. But when it comes to the little vid then we’ll hang onto it, just in case.”  
  
“What will I do now?”  
  
“Act like everything is normal. We’ll be sure to contact you when the time comes.”  
  
As a last thing I lean in, hug Marcy and take the dove earring as a reminder of our time together. “Marcy, I’ so sorry.”

 

 

Later that day…

  
It is hard to believe that all this had happened in one night, another friend dead, me a murderer and a gang member, life just likes to screw me over. Hope that my family doesn’t find out about all that’s going on. Soon I’m going to head for work but until then I’ll just crawl to some place dark and quiet, I need some me time to start sorting it all out. Wonder when the suit is going to contact me and what will he make me do?  
  
  
  
Wasteland Nora reminisces...  
  
  
And that is how I joined a gang. Not the best memories and ethical job but my family had money, the protection fee was basically nonexistent and we could afford so much.  
  
They gang didn’t teach me anything just threw me into it. At first they got me ‘learning’ by the side of some others running some jobs, then sent me out to do some simpler stuff like retrieving some packages, passing on messages, then ‘persuading’ people. At first I was reluctant, didn’t want to have anything to do with them but somewhere down the line I got used to it and even later I enjoyed some parts of my job.  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Family is not an important thing. It's everything." - Michael J.Fox

Pre-War Nora’s memory…

  
About A year into my job I found out that my brother Drake had gotten into some dealings with the gang. I may have been in it but I didn’t want the danger, stress and the strain on his consciousness that I had. Hell I still hadn’t gotten over what happened to Marcy, that I had caused her death, still can’t remember shit from the moment, but it may be for the best.

 

 

  
Memory of Drake…

  
Drake was supposed to have a day off so I thought I’d go for a visit. He still lives with ma and da, can’t blame him. It is hard to be on your own in this place.  
  
I go to the old house’s door, stop for a moment. It has been some time… when did my relations with my father get so bad that I never even visit. What an awful daughter I am.  
  
I try to open the door but it is locked, thank god that I still have the old key. I slide the key into the lock and turn it two circles, even the lock’s clicking sounds are familiar. I hadn’t realized how much I miss this place.  
  
When I get inside it is still the same. The same old olive green couch with coffee stains on the cushions, the same family photos and the smell of mother’s chocolate chip cookies, I have never been a fan of chocolate, but her cookies are the best. The clothes hanger is still the same, only now there were fewer clothes, heck two people had moved out and parents were at work, only Drakes denim jacket is hanging there. I looked down on the floor and his house slippers are gone- so he still is at home. Glad that I didn’t come here for no reason.  
  
I climb the old stairs; the brick red paint has faded and is worn down in the places where most of the traffic occurs. I make my way to Drake’s room, the door is cracked open so I give it a little push and announce: “Hey dragon boy guess who’s home?”  
  
He jumps up from the table wiping the white powder from his nose “Hey Nora, you scared me, have you ever heard of knocking so people would get less heart attacks!”  
  
I step closer to him - he looks different, red nose, pink and watery eyes with dark circles under them, the stubble of a beard and shaking hands. When he sees me look at his hands he puts them behind his back. “Why did you come here Nora?”  
  
“I wanted to make sure that the rumors were wrong but I guess it’s another thing I’m mistaken about.” I cross my hands on my chest and lean on the door.  
  
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”  
  
“Like shit you don’t. The drugs Drake, the fucking drugs! Why the hell would you get mixed up in something like this? The gangs don’t treat people right and they change drug dealers like dirty socks, not every day but still often enough.”  
  
He turns his back to me and looks out of the window, there’s still white dust on his desk. His knees are shaking subtlety and he takes a few deep breaths “You don’t know how hard it is.” He hits the desk with his fist and yells “You don’t know how fucking hard it is!” He begins to sob. I’ve never seen him so broken. I walk up to my brother and place a hand on his shoulder “What happened, tell me.”  
  
He pushes my hand off and sits on his bed “At first it was just trying something different with others, you know. Relaxing after long and stressful days, having a joint but then Caleb’s brother ‘Fingers’ offered the stronger stuff and it became a routine without me noticing it. Every day after work we got together blew some lines and back to home, but soon it wasn’t enough, I wanted more. Spent my whole fucking salary on drugs. A moment when I realized that I’d gone off the tracks was when I was high at the wrong time and got fired from work. But even though I didn’t have money and I knew that something was wrong I still wanted them. Then ‘Fingers’ helped me out, lead me to a guy who knew a guy and that’s how the gang came into play.” He rolls up his sleeves and his hands are full of tiny needle marks “Went over to some stronger stuff because the old ones didn’t do it anymore.”  
  
“You aren’t going to last long like this, you’ve got to get out and get clean.”  
  
He yells at me “Don’t you think I know that? It is fucking hard, I’ve tried so many times but for nothing, I’m too weak.”  
  
“Shit Drake I was supposed to be the black sheep of the family.”  
  
“No kidding, what I have gotten myself into is far worse than your ‘black sheep days’.” He seems to be angry, and then he looks at me now seemingly confused “You’ve done drugs too, yeah? How did you get out of it?”  
  
“I’ve done some yeah but not the really strong ones and in very small doses and as fucking seldom as possible in company of others. The moment you do this shit alone is the moment you’ve got a problem.”  
  
“Stop rubbin my nose in it. I know I need help.”  
  
“And I’m here for you. Are you ready to make a change, if so then this messed up black sheep is going to help the white sheep who fell into black paint.”  
  
“Seriously stop the sheep metaphors, they sound weird and make my head hurt.”  
  
“Fine, but tell me do ma and da know?”  
  
“No and I don’t want them to. They raised us to have dignity and told us never to fall so low that we’d join the gangs; I don’t want to disappoint them.”  
  
“Sure. Now as a first step let’s flush the strong drugs, shall we?”  
  
For the moment I’m helping my brother while flushing his hrugs. I have always thought that he was so strong that nothing could bring him down but I’m wrong, he has gone down a similar path as I. It’s terrible, our parents are good people and then we screw up and do everything they told us not to even worse is that Drake thinks he’s fallen lower than I, but it is only partially true. I’ve fallen deeper with the corruption of my soul, but he only with the corruption of the body. Oh how I’d love to tell him that I’m there with him, that I know what’s going on but I can’t… he needs to have faith in me, to have faith that a sodding screw-up like me can be there for him.  
  
We left a message for our parents and told them that Drake had put aside some money and went to see the world when truly I’m taking him to a rehab facility. Life is so messed up and it is only my first 17 years in this world. At moments like these I wish That Johnny would be here, he always knows what to do.

 

 

Pre-War Nora’s memory…

  
It’s been half a year since Drake went to rehab and we’ve gotten a lot closer since then, we call each other every other day. On the other hand I haven’t heard from Johnny for… shit two months, I do hope that he is alright on some secret mission and he can’t just reach out to someone.  
  
Soon Drake is getting out, he’s doing a lot better and I’m still a fucking hypocrite, still in the gang, still doing dangerous shit and to make it worse I feel like staying.

 

 

Pre-War Nora’s memory…

  
Drake is back at home, we are still quite tight. Through some connections I actually managed to help him get a job in the city. e’s putting his charm and charisma to good use as a sales rep for some vault something company. He told me that soon he’ll be gone from here because the pay there is nice and he’ll be able to get a place of his own, lucky him.  
  
I tried to make small talk about leaving the gang, but then I was casually reminded of the vid and that accidents tend to happen to those who can’t afford ‘protection’. They are a bunch of dickheads and motherfuckers. All this time working for them and they are still on that shit.  
  
On a brighter note Johnny got back to me through a letter and he’s coming to town. He’ll be here on Monday, that is in 3 days. I can’t wait to see him, hope he hasn’t changed too much and I hope he’ll be the same awesome big brother who he was when he left. Ahh me and my high hopes and dreams again. Feels like the realist in me is dying out.  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No quote for this chapter.  
> Warning: a reference to a Twenty One Pilots' song : "Johnny boy."  
> Link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1N_rsUOxfs

Pre-War Nora’s memory of Johnny coming back from his mission for the first time…  
  
  
It is the big day, Johnny is landing in 3 hours, I’m supposed to be there to pick him up. Rented a nice atomic car with a lot of space for his stuff, would be a shame if the car couldn’t fit jack-shit.  
  
I’m waiting in some café. It is weird how many cakes and drinks that contain chocolate on the menu, geeze gag.  
  
I see a private plane land, must be him. I quickly finish my coffee and run down to the greeting area with my big silly cardboard sign.  
  
Down there I see through a window bunch of men and some women dressed the same, he must be there. I am already holding up my stooped cardboard sign. Oh lord I’m already so nervous, hands are sweating and heart’s racing. He is coming back to us alive!  
  
The passengers, twenty people or so are entering the room, they all look so happy. For a moment there they gather together and do some silly hands gathering thing while shouting the name of their company, seems like a good bunch, he deserves good people around him.  
  
Finally he is walking towards me with a big ole grin and then he laughs. “Blame it on the times Johnny boy… really?”  
  
“Alternate music is still with me and Johnny boy I’ve got to say you’re my pride and joy.”  
  
“I’ve just come back and my little sis is already throwing terrible jokes at me, I’m so unprepared for this, I need backup A.S.A.P.”  
  
“It’s good to have you back.” I hug him.  
  
“It’s good to be back, now let’s find my bags and get my stuff home.”  
  
“Sure thing.”  
  
As we walk to the package retrieval he asks “A cardboard sign?”  
  
“Yeah, more personal this way.”  
  
We both laugh.

 

 

  
The ride home…

  
On our ride back to my place he asks “So lil sis do you have today off?”  
  
“Absolutely! Like I would agree to work when you are back in town.”  
  
“Great then we’re going out today.”  
  
“Sounds fucking interesting.”  
  
“Who knows. Anyway me and the army buds agreed to meet for drinks at this bar today, well most of us, the one’s with families are going to skip and who can blame them… back to the point you are coming with me.”  
  
“I’ flattered by the thought, but why would you want me there chillyn with your army buds? ”  
  
“I know that you worry and perhaps if you meet the people I work with then you’ll get a little peace of mind and see that they are a great bunch.”  
  
“Sure I’ll come with.”

 

 

  
Later that night…

  
“You sure that this is the place?”  
  
“Yeah the ole ‘Big Brother’s’ drinks here are fairly good and not to mention cheap. Music isn’t half hat bad either, they have the best of latest, some retro and some live jazz.”  
  
“If you say so.”  
  
The place has dim but warm lighting, the floors and walls are made of real wood and strangely enough if feels cozy here. It isn’t very crowded yet, no wonder it’s only 22.00.  
  
Wonder how is this going to go am I going to embarrass myself and my brother, will he embarrass himself and me, will his buds like me and will I like them and will I fuck up and get into some shit at the end of the night? Now chill they can smell fear, I think.  
  
It is simple to tell the 108th Infantry Regiment from the crowd in this place, they are all still wearing the same matching casual army outfits white T-shirt and camo pants. There are certainly a lot less people here then at the airport and looking at them mostly the younger folk has come.  
  
I follow my brother as he heads off to the White T-shirts. It’s funny how upbeat they are here and loud, very, very loud.  
  
The people greet him “Hey J-ACE you made it…Glad to see you here…J-dog wazzup man…”  
  
“It’s nice to be here and I see that some of you have brought some company well I have too this is my sister Nora. Nora these are the 108th Infantry Regiment soldiers, awesome folk just like a second family.”  
  
“It’s great to see that my bro is keeping good company.”  
  
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

 

  
These guys aren’t actually that bad, they are fucking awesome. Better company than I originally thought. They make terrible jokes, have terrible drinks and are very loud, I think I like them.  
  
I’m seeing my bro and this woman in their company. Crap what was her name… something with a L… Linda, maybe all of the others call her Chocolate not the greatest nickname but I can see why they’d call her that… she is sweet and black. Anyway my brother and Chocolate they seem to have something. I see the doe eyes she makes at him and the way Johnny sweetly smiles when he looks at her.  
  
It’s midnight and this crowd is even louder and happier right now.  
  
Some fella in a leather jacket white shirt and camo pants, just like the ones the other soldiers are wearing, comes to the group yelling from afar “Sorry for being late, hope I didn’t miss anything.”  
  
Yeah this is going to be loud too, I’m going to freshen up while they get the greetings out of the way.  
  
I’m washing my face with cold water. I love being out here but there is this thing gnawing me inside bugging me a lot. What happens if I get fucking drunk and blab all the shit that is going on and has happened? I feel like a fucking traitor, my brother and his friends are out there protecting the country and I’m here in a motherfucking gang undermining our country from the inside. Shoot I’ve been here long enough, should go out before anyone gets suspicious.  
  
I rejoin the group of white T-shirts. They seem to be in the middle of a joke.  
  
“The president of the US and The prime minister of GB were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, ‘Isn't that the US president and GB’s prime minister?’  
  
The barman said, ‘Yep, that's them.’  
  
So the guy walked over and said, ‘Hello. What are you guys doing?’  
  
President said, ‘We're planning World War III.’  
  
The guy asked, ‘Really? What's going to happen?’  
  
President said, ‘Well, we're going to kill 10 million Chinese and one bicycle repairman.’  
  
The guy exclaimed, ‘Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!’  
  
President turned to prime minister and said, ‘See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Chinese!’”  
  
Everyone laughs and my brother comes to the group “Power-jack telling the 10 million Chinese one again, yeah”  
  
Power-jack slaps a hand on Johnny’s shoulder “Never gets old even our sweet and kind hearted Chocolate is laughing.”  
  
One of the men croaks “Well might be because Chinese don’t EAT Chocolate and she has no use for a man from there.”  
  
They begin to tease and make dirty jokes when Johnny pulls me aside “Hey sis I want you to meet someone.”  
  
He brings me to the Leather jacket dude. He comments “Wow J-dog you didn’t tell me that you had such a fine dame waiting for you at home. Chocolate is going to be jealous.”  
  
“Come on Nate she’s my sister and my best friend outside army, don’t go there.”  
  
This Nate fella rises hands up in the air apologetically “Fine, fine as the superior says.”  
  
A small smile appears on my brother’s face “Anyway Nate this is Nora ad Nota this is Nate. Nate‘s sort of my best bro in the army and Nora she is the best friend at home.”  
  
I look at this Nate guy and I’m not impressed, if the others seemed like somewhat normal people than he gives me the vibe of that prick who thinks that he is über cool and plays the: I’m in the army card to get laid. My brother could have done so much better finding a best bro out there. Seriously distrustful of the guy would be a great understatement.  
  
He takes my hand and places a kiss on it “Exiting to meet you.”  
  
“Judging from the puddle of drool left perhaps too exciting.”  
  
My brother sighs “Just play nice until I’m back, okay.”  
  
Nate sends a grin his way “I always play nice.”  
  
Johnny gives me the sideways glance “I wasn’t talking with you, Nate.”  
  
“I’ll consider it.”  
  
Johnny leaves, I think he went to Chocolate, those two for sure have some attraction. Chocolate is a nice woman- great personality with quite decent looks and my brother he is a fucking badass with heart, it only makes sense that they are drawn to each other.  
  
Nate clears his throat and asks: “So what do you do exactly?”  
  
“Not you.”  
  
“Oh come on, take your brothers advice and be nice.”  
  
“This is me being nice-ish.”  
  
“Then I feel sorry for Johnny man.”  
  
“Wait what?”  
  
“It could not have been easy to grow up with a sibling who is stubborn, self-centered, hostile, mean…”  
  
“Are you being fucking serious?”  
  
“Someone who curses a lot, is really judgmental.”  
  
“For fuck’s sake just shut it!”  
  
“bossy…”  
  
The fuck, he is getting a kick out of insulting me, that prick.  
  
“Well yeah this bossy, self-centered, hostile mean sibling knows your sort and really doesn’t want to have nothing to do with your kind.”  
  
“My sort? The likes of my kind?”  
  
“Yeah the cocksure, playboy, smug from a wealthy family who has the world handed to them on a silver platter sort.”  
  
He Snorts “Come on you could be a little nicer to someone who has been to war and has made it back alive.”  
  
“I’ve come in contact with people like you, getting some shore leave, down time or whatever… they always think that they can have it all with a little smooth talking and a few drinks but you know I say fuck all of the ones who think they can have it all. What I have to say to you is this:  
  
to have made it back alive from war you probably kept it low key,  
  
but tonight you just ain’t getting lucky  
  
With someone like me.”  
  
“Quite the mouth on you, careful she might burn.”  
  
“Hotter than the sun is in desert Sahara, babe.”  
  
“A pleasant change from the cold of Alaska.”  
  
How does he do it, anger me so “Ughhh… I’m too tired for this shit, when Johnny gets back then I’ll skedaddle.”  
  
“I do enjoy when my opponent gives up when they realize they are outmatched.”  
  
“You…”  
  
J comes back “So you to have been getting along?”  
  
Nate smiles “Absolutely, your sister is a delight.”  
  
My brother seems slightly surprised as he looks towards me; I’m not going to be outplayed by this Nate fella. Shit he may have won this round but… shit I just don’t care “Well it is common knowledge that I’m a wonderful person and I’ve got to say that your army best bro almost makes it to my level.”  
  
He seems to be serious then bursts out into laughter “Well isn’t that interesting, how shall I interpret that.”  
  
“Interpret it in the best way possible. Anyway I’m going to leave this fucking awesome company because I’m still tired from yesterday’s work and I fear that I’ll frigging collapse on the floor. No one would want that, hell people will think that I can’t handle my drinking. You have a good night I’ll take a cab.”  
  
As I begin to walk away my brother hugs me “I’m glad that you came.”  
  
“I am too.”  
  
“So I’ll be crashing at your place sometime tomorrow, will the door be open?”  
  
“Depends on if you’ll be bringing your ‘delightful’ friend.”  
  
“Ha ha ha. Stay safe!”  
  
“It’s me you’re talking about, life wouldn’t just be any fun if I’d try to stay safe.”  
  
As I go away I realize that I am tired. I’m still glad that I went there, I got some peace of mind getting to know some of Johnny’s teammates, they are an awesome bunch except mister late… he just rubbed me wrong. I bet he is there talking shit about me behind my back to my brother.

 

 

  
The next morning…

  
I hear a knock on my door and glance at the alarm clock, Its 04.00, who the fuck bothers someone this early in the morning? I drag myself out of the bed and make my way slowly to the door. Behind it is my brother, shit I totally forgot that he was supposed to crash at my place sometime today.  
  
“Already forgot about your poor older brother did you?”  
  
“Of course not, I have a great memory.”  
  
“And I’m the queen of England.” There’s coming a very strong smell of cheap beer and cigarettes from Johnny, I’m not surprised by that, but how in the name of hell he is still so… sober.  
  
“So the couch in here is pullout and there’s a nice and soft mattress in one of the couch’s storage compartments, I’ll fetch you a pillow and a blanket.”  
  
I bring the promised stuff from a closet, which is still quite empty. I just don’t feel like buying new clothes that I’ll maybe wear, if ever. “And if you need anything then just ask me, preferably in the morning.”  
  
“It is early morning.”  
  
“Not for me it isn’t.”  
  
“Glad to see that some things don’t change.”  
  
When I make it back to my bed, I just fall into it and as I close my eyes. When I’ve fallen asleep then loud snoring begins in the living room. Well… fuck.

 

 

  
Later the same day…

  
I wake at 10 in the morning surprisingly well rested despite my bro’s snoring.  
  
It will probably be some time until he wakes, so I’ll take a nice shower and afterwards I’ll make some grub. It is so nice to be able to afford all the hot water I want, when I lived with my parents then the hot water was limited. Say what you will but the gangs pay handsomely for delivering.  
  
When I’m all freshen up I go to my fridge and start preparing breakfast, okay it’s too late for that brunch but then again by my standards it would still be breakfast, well screw the overthinking , I’m making food.  
  
Hmm… today I’m feeling like enchiladas and something sweet after snack like mm… 5 ingredient protein bites.  
  
Sometime later when my enchilada is cooling on the table and I’m rolling up my delish strawberry protein balls my brother appears in the kitchen.  
  
I keep my focus on making my sweet snacks “Morning sleepyhead, how was your sleep?”  
  
“I’ve got to hand it to you, your couch is a lot softer than the army beds, would you mind if I snuck it with me on my next tour.”  
  
“Perhaps if you keep it from harm, I don’t want any bullet holes in it.”  
  
“Come on, it just adds some character, and that is something your couch desperately needs.”  
  
“You did not just insult my couch, what has the piece of furniture done to you to deserve to basically be called boring.”  
  
“Wait no need to be dramatic; I’ll just go and apologize to the couch.”  
  
And the daft soldier does go to the olive green piece of living room furniture. He strokes his hand across it’s back “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings,” he hugs it “I hope we are still cool.”  
  
“Tell me Johnny did you bump your head against something a little too hard when you were on tour?”  
  
“Hey you are ruining the moment between me and your couch!”  
  
“Fine, just treat her nicely, will you. Take her out for moves, bring her flowers once in a while, watch a nice rom com when you’re home and don’t cheat on her.”  
  
“Who that got hella serious fast.”  
  
“Hey my couch is a lady and deserves to be treated as such.”  
  
He pats the piece of furniture “Hey darling I’m not ready for this kind of commitment, sorry.”  
  
He comes to me “Is it enchilada I’m smelling?”  
  
“Perhaps.”  
  
“Now isn’t my little sister cute for remembering my favorite food.”  
  
“Don’t tell anyone, I have a reputation to keep.”  
  
“My lips are sealed. But hey until you are finished with these oat balls then I’ gonna hit the shower.”  
  
“Knock yourself out.”  
  
It is strange having someone at my home, usually I’m all alone but now my brother is here. I’m happy because, I’ve missed him badly and now he is back alive and well, but then there is still this feeling gnawing at me, the feeling that I should tell him all the truth… But no… It’s a bad idea, so much still depends on me and if I tell him then I’ll feel even shittier and hell knows I may even quit the gang and our parents will be hurtin’. Bad thoughts get out of my head!  
  
He comes back and we begin eating breakfast.  
  
“Mm… I knew my lil sis was a decent cook but damn this is just delicious.”  
  
“Come on for all the shittyness in me there has to be something I’m great at.”  
  
“Aww come on you are good at many things, only the world keeps making it a little more difficult for you. One day you’ll show them all.”  
  
“A great pep talk, but I know what I am. No need to deny or hide it.”  
  
“There’s no point with arguing with you, you are as stubborn as father. Talking about family, do you have any plans on visiting them, I mean ma and da?”  
  
“Perhaps someday…”  
  
“Let’s hope that this someday will be soon because life is fleeting and you never know when you might spend your last moments with someone.”  
  
“Let’s drop the topic, shall we.”  
  
“Fine but then tell me what is the deal with you and Nate?”  
  
“Why do you think there’s any deal with us?”  
  
“Come on I’ve known you for whole your life, I know when you are holding back your tongue and well Nate he is easy to read when you get to know him.”  
  
“Honest to god, there’s no beef between us.”  
  
“Oh wow!”  
  
“What is it.”  
  
“My sensors they… they detected something…”  
  
“Don’t.”  
  
“They detected a huge amount of bullshit.”  
  
“Ok, fine I don’t like him nor he me.”  
  
“But why not?”  
  
“It’s hard to explain, he just feels off. The other members of your team, who I met, they were nice but he is weird. ”  
  
“And you aren’t?”  
  
“Well I am the weirdest of them all, but Nate seems untrustworthy, total player who tells lies to achieve his goals. He feels like the person whose ideology is that the end justifies the means and that is bad.”  
  
“But sometimes the end result does justify the means. And he ayn’t that bad. He is a really nice person when you get to know him a little better.”  
  
“Yeah pass. There are more than enough men out there to get to know a little better and he ayen’t one of them.”  
  
“Please don’t my lil miss know-it-all they don’t deserve you.”  
  
“Hey that topic is not for debate. Now enjoy the breakfast I made.”  
  
“Lunch.”  
  
“Your lunch, my breakfast and our brunch.”

 

  
Later the same day…

  
“Are you sure you want to go live by our parents for your down time?”  
  
“Unlike some I care for my parents.”  
  
“I care for them too, but I just don’t show it.”  
  
“In the end it is the same thing. So you’ll drop me off?”  
  
“Sure I won’t back down from my words”  
  
I drive to down town. I’ve spent so much of my life here; there are still many memories some good some bad and some that I wish wouldn’t be anymore. So many mistakes…  
  
Finally we are at my folks’ house; I can see ma and da at the porch. I stop with my car and Johnny takes his stuff out of the trunk. Ma runs to him and hugs him tight, pa soon follows up. Bro comes back to the passenger door “See you later sis!”  
  
“See ya around Johnny!”  
  
I quickly drive away and cast a glance to my rearview mirror and see mother smiling as she watches me drive away and father he bares his usual scowl. Still angry, that old man is stubborn as fuck- good to know that we won’t be getting together any time soon.  



	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Social media is social. We're looking to touch one heart at a time. With one Great story at a time." - Shawn Amos

Pre-War Nora’s memory of sending Johnny off …  
  
  
It is now the end of Johnny’s down time. He wants me to drive him to the airport. He said it was because he wants to cheer me up and see his little sis. I can’t blame him, I would be kinda weird to have one over worrying and pampering mother and a father with a permanent scowl to be there fussing about everything.  
  
It is good to see my brother again when he’ll be gone for a while. I do actually worry about him when he is gone, it is war and war never changes. Lives of god men are always lost and for some president siting on their ass all day eating bonbons and giving speeches while good people die for their causes. He wants to do good, he wants to see some romance in war but I think he has changed, war has changed him. It is terribly sad; I wonder when he’ll come to his senses about the war thing.  
  
I am at my parents’ place, sitting in the car. He is waiting outside and mum is codding him, probably asking if he has everything he needs. And then there is da he stares at me with that scowl, still disapproving. We’ve never really gotten along. I actually envied other gals and guys for having good relationships with their fathers. Now I really don’t care. Now I’m just another girl with daddy issues.  
  
Johnny gives mum a hug, a manly pat on da’s back and comes to the car. “Still not speaking with them?”  
  
I shake my head “Nope.”  
  
“You know that the two of you are really similar. Da and you, I mean.”

 

 

  
At the airport…

  
I follow Johnny to the waiting room. There are his other team mates and some of their loved ones are sending them away. I notice Chocolate taking a sweet glance towards my brother and smiling- there’s definitely something there.  
  
Nate swims over “Johnnnyyyy!!!”  
  
“Nateee!!” they do a manly fist pump and a manly hug.  
  
Nate looks at me and smiles “Noooraaa!”  
  
“Nope, just nope.”  
  
There is a noticeable disappointment on his face “Is she always such killjoy?”  
  
Johnny chuckles “Only with people she dislikes.” Thanks for that, I think.  
  
Nate looks at me and asks teasingly with a cocky sly smile “What you don’t like me?”  
  
“If you didn’t notice before then not particularly. No.”  
  
“Harsh.”  
  
“What can I say. A girl has got standards.”  
  
“And she keeps on stabbing my heart. Johns you’ve got a heartbreaker for a sister.”  
  
Johnny nudges Nate with his elbow “Lay off, she’s still finding her place in the world, one heart at a time.”  
  
“I can speak for myself, but thank you.”  
  
“Ok I’ll lay off of you, for now. But you are still Johnny’s sis so next time there will be more teasing.”  
  
A voice comes from the loudspeakers: “Now boarding plane for 108th Infantry Regiment, gate E16.”  
  
“Johns we need to get moving.”  
  
My brother turns to me and we hug.  
  
“Stay safe Johnny.”  
  
“I’m not the one you should worry about, I’ve always been lucky. You should make sure that you’ll stay out of trouble.”  
  
“Where would the fun be in that?”  
  
He laughs “You never change.”  
  
Nate picks up his bag “Very touching, but time’s wasting you two.”  
  
“Have some heart Nate, how often do I see my favorite sister.”  
  
We stop hugging, he grabs his bag and begins walking away “You better be here to drive me the next time I’ll have some leave time.”  
  
“Seriously don’t get killed you doofus.”  
  
He laughs.  
  
Nate smiles and winks at me “See you next time heartbreaker.”  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a non-con moment in it. It is between ***** and -------- marksings telling the bit of non-con 'act' apart from the rest of the story if you want to skip it.
> 
> I put it between the markings because I don't want to change the whole work's raiting because this is a very small part of it all that has big consequences later on.

Pre-War Nora’s memory of a job gone wrong…  
  
  
It is late at night I picked up a package from my bosse’s and now I’m driving with my delivery ride to the last client. Today has been beyond busy, too many people wanting delicate things delivered. To think of it, it is good because more deliveries means more money for me, more money means well… I’m not broke. Need to desperately figure out what to spend it on, the amount is pretty decent.  
  
I make it to the higher buildings in the middle of the city. I take the two suitcases from the trunk. My taser is near there, don’t feel like taking it, its clunky and when it is attached to my belt it slowly drags my pants down while walking.  
  
I pick up the suitcases and lock the car. Off to the penthouse lever for some rich white middle-aged slob to get his shit.  
  
Finally I’ve made it to his apartment, unsurprisingly a maid is the one to open the door she even curtsies. The girl is a very pretty petite Asian girl with bright red hair. She doesn’t speak and looks a little frightened.  
  
A man’s voice echoes through the place “Greetings! You must be the one to bring the goods.”  
  
“Yeah two cases of…”  
  
He cuts me off “Military grade smuggled Psycho.”  
  
“Sounds about right. Where will I put the suitcases?”  
  
“Would you stay for a drink?”  
  
“Wait what?”  
  
“I do not repeat myself on principle, I’m far too important for that.”  
  
“Nobody is too important.”  
  
He walks closer to me. The man is on the fat side with receding hairline, he’s got dark circles under his eyes and a van dyke beard, he’s wearing an expensive suit with salmon color shirt under it that has too many buttons opened so that his overly hairy chest would be on display.  
  
“Kinsey leave us.”  
  
  
********************************************************  
  
\----------------------------------------------  
This place feels off, that man seems to be off. I want to get out of here as fast as possible “I should get going.” I drop the suitcases on the floor and begin to turn away.  
  
“Haven’t you been taught not to drop things and be respectful of your superiors?”  
  
The man reeks of Cuban cigars, whiskey and some terrible smelling cologne that is smothering the air. The damned scented fluid probably costs enough for a group of street kids to get an education.  
  
“I really need to get going, there are more important matters to attend to.”  
  
I turn away and begin to walk away but then suddenly he grabs a hold of my hair. “It isn’t nice to leave a conversation like that!”  
  
“Unhand me at once you greasy fat bastard!”  
  
“You’ve got quite the mouth on you girl. Do you know who I am?”  
  
He pulls on my hair even harder, I try to fight away from his grip “Another mother fucker who has money and thinks that they can do everything they want to anyone.”  
  
He grabs a hold of my shoulders and pushes me to the floor face down “You’re wrong. I can do whatever I want to whoever I want it to be done to.”  
  
I can feel his weight on me, pinning me to the floor. I try to kick him with my hands and feet, I try to get up but it is useless.  
  
I hear him unzipping his pants. He leans close to my ear; his beard is scratchy on my skin “Now I’m going to prove how wrong you are.” His voice sends cold shivers down my body.  
  
He pushes my head harder into the floor and begins to pull down my pants, I try to struggle out of his pinning grip but then he smacks me “No fighting or there will be more of it.”  
  
I can hear my shirt being torn. He flips me over and shoves the piece of cloth into my mouth. “I don’t like when they yell or bite.”  
  
I try to hit him again but he stops my hand in midair and slaps me hard across my face “What did I tell you girl?”  
  
He pulls of the remains of my shirt, pulls down my pants and there am I: on his animal leather carpet, in my underwear scared, wanting to yell, call for help, cry.  
  
I try flailing m limbs again, perhaps… another strike at me, my face feels hot and panful. I can feel the tears beginning to flow. His voice is low and threatening “You don’t learn don’t you?” He beats me, hits a few times into the stomach, a few punches to the ribs, another slap to the face.  
  
I dare not move, my body hurts all over; I just want it to stop. I want to get out of here, I want to fight back but I’m too weak, his mass is too much, his strength is too much, the pain is something that I don’t want to become too much.  
  
“Is this what you want?! DO you want me to beat you so you’d finally stay still? DO you like it rough?”  
  
I shake my head, there are hot tears rolling down my face, making my vision blurry.  
  
“Good girl, then stay still so perhaps you’ll even enjoy this.”  
  
I stare at the ceiling, it’s glossy white and has some fancy looking lights hanging from it, lights so bright that they make my eyes hurt.  
  
When I look back down I can see him throwing off his salmon colored shirt and unbuckling his pants. He pulls them away and grabs a hold of his cock and pulls that out of his underpants. The reproduction organ is limp and dark and is surrounded by a bush of hair.  
  
“See this? This is going to be inside you.”  
  
He pulls down my underpants and gives his ligament a few pumps till it is half hard and then full on hard. I avert my gaze and look at the fancy lamp in the ceiling with the bright lights that hurt my eyes.  
  
I can feel him thrusting the thing inside me. It is verging on painful, sex is a wet sport and I ayen’t there.  
  
My whole body rocks along with his rhythm. I feel utterly discussed, I want to vomit, pull him out of me and run.  
  
My mind is running to places it’s wondering: How can this be happening?  
  
I should have taken the taser with me.

  
********************************************************  
  
\----------------------------------------------  


 

 

  
The next morning…  
  
It is 4 in the morning, after hours of using me he finally let me go. Kinsey, the maid, rushes over to me, takes me to the bathroom and gives me a bath over there. She finally dares to speak “I’m sorry very about what he to you did.” The petite girl has a thick Chinese accent.  
  
I feel dead inside but still I ask “Why didn’t you help me?”  
  
She looks down and scrubs me harder with the sponge “He me too beaten would have.”  
  
She keeps washing me in the silence. Then she dries me and tends to my busted lip and black eye.  
  
“Why are you taking care of me?”  
  
“All the girls he mistreats take care of I do.”  
  
“But why?”  
  
She sighs “That way power of he’s he shows.”  
  
“Has he gotten into trouble?”  
  
“They tried happens nothing.”  
  
She applies some cooling gel to my bruises and swollen areas, applies some concealing makeup to my face and neck, then hands me a whole new set of fresh clothes. When I look at myself in the bathroom mirror it almost seems like nothing happened, I just have red eyes and a little bit swollen eye- like people with allergies.  
  
Kinsey comments: “You beautiful look.” I wonder how she can see that when I don’t.

 

  
A moment later…

  
Finally I’m let out of that place. Outside it’s raining, how fitting, just like in a movie, a shitty day gets even shittier with rain.  
  
I quickly get into the car and drive home, slowly like it’s just another normal day and I’m one of the people who makes their way to work before the big traffic, just drifting in the sleepiness and quietness of the world.  
  
At an apartment building…

  
I park the car and just stand in the rain till my clothes are soaked, till my hair is utterly wet, till the makeup is washed off. There is a slight cold wind outside- a motherly voice inside me tells me to get inside or I’ll catch a cold, but I answer to it: what is the point, I don’t care. The puddles on the road are getting bigger, more and more cars begin to drive to work. When a car passes I’m splashed over with the water from the puddle, over and over again.  
  
Finally there is a voice “Are you alright?”  
  
I look towards the direction of it and there is a friendly looking man in his twenties. I shake my head.  
  
“Why are you standing here in the rain?”  
  
“For it to wash it away.”  
  
“Wash what away?”  
  
I open my mouth to speak but words won’t come out of my moth, I begin sobbing.  
  
He comes closer to me and calms me: “Hey there it’s all right, you’re safe here.”  
  
I try to wipe tears away but it is pointless because I’m in the rain and there is no way telling between the raindrops and tears.  
  
“Do you live near here?”  
  
I nod and point to the building behind me.  
  
The man takes a careful hold of my hand “Let’s get you inside there. What do you think?”  
  
Another man, another person, another potential danger. I just don’t care anymore. It doesn’t matter what happens. It doesn’t matter if things get worse because there’s no way I’ll feel any worse. Finally I nod and he walks me inside the building and there to my apartment in there he helps me, gets me a towel and sits me down on the couch.  
  
“Sorry if it is some wrong towel but this was what I saw hanging in the kitchen.”  
  
I dab my face with the piece of cloth.  
  
“Should I bring you sugar water, I’m sure that I could find what’s needed with time.”  
  
I shake my head.  
  
He nods and sits down on an armchair opposite to me “You have some bruises on your face and arms, did you get attacked?”  
  
I look at him and begin to cry.  
  
“Hey there, it’s alright. Whatever you went through is over.”  
  
I nod.  
  
“It is getting late and I need to get to work. I’ll let myself out of here. Don’t try anything stooped, alright, and get dry, it is very simple to catch a cod like that.”  
  
He walks to the door and I mutter: “Thank you!”  
  
He stops for a second “No problem, just stay out of the rain.”  
  
A strange man, a man who didn’t try anything, a man who just left. Seemingly a good man.  
  
I lock the door and go to my bathroom, strip out of my clothes and step into the hot water streaming down from the shower. I begin to wash away, to wash it all away. I scrub all over my body. Once. Twice. Three times. Fourth time. I scrub away until my skin is pink and painful and raw, then I keep scrubbing because I can still feel the dirtiness on me. I can still feel him on me. That memory doesn’t get washed away. That feeling doesn’t get washed away. I just stand under the hot and steaming water for a while longer.

 

 

  
Reminiscing word of Wasteland Nora…  
  
  
That night I couldn’t sleep. That night my skin was raw and painful. That night the nightmares kept me awake.  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The unexpected kindness of strangers when you're having a stressful day just makes everything a little easier." - Lacey Chabert

  
Pre-War Nora’s memory of the morning after rape…

  
I’ve gotten a message from work that they want to see me this afternoon. Do they already know of what happened? Are they going to help me? Are they going to punish me for getting raped? It is strange to think of it, to admit to it even in my head, I got raped.  
  
I get clothed and stand in front of the mirror. The bruises still cover my face, my lip is still busted. I lift up my loose sweatshirt and see that there are swollen areas that ae bruised on my ribcage and some bite-marks. I quickly pull down the shirt and find my concealer and start covering it all up. My skin it burns on touch, yesterday I scrubbed too much while washing it all off- so much that there are these tiny red dots all over my skin.

 

 

Pre-War Nora’s memory of her boss…

  
I’ve made it to the HQ and step into the boss’s dark office like room that is filled with cigarette smoke.  
  
“Good to see that you made it Nora.”  
  
“Sure, but what is it about- I usually don’t get called here.”  
  
“We need you to help out a friend who is in some court case and isn’t doing so well…”  
  
…  
  
I recite “Spice the drink, do some sweet-talking to the guy, swap the evidence and get out. Did I get all that right?”  
  
“You did. And if you don’t screw up then you’ll be paid more than generously. You can go now.”  
  
“Wait I wanted to ask.”  
  
“Times wasting so you better get talking.”  
  
I sigh and look at the floor “Do you know what happened yesterday with the package delivery?”  
  
“The delivery to the senator?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“We got no complaints so it went smoothly.”  
  
“Smoothly?! It didn’t go smoothly! The fat bastard fucking raped me! Was that a part of the plan as well? Get him the package and let him have some fun with the delivery girl?!”  
  
“Damnit it isn’t the first time. Are you alright?”  
  
“No I’m not fucking alright!”  
  
“Can you still work?”  
  
“Yes, but…”  
  
“Then you are perfectly fine. Now the thing that happened didn’t occur. You will keep quiet about it. If there are any further troubles then you can only speak to us about it and we’ll help you get them fixed, no one outside must know of this. ”  
“But that bastard needs to pay for it, he has raped others too, he needs to be brought to justice.”  
  
“Let me make this clear to you: If you speak of this to anyone outside of this place then well pay a visit to your family, if you keep quiet then there will be a compensation coming towards your bank account. Do you understand?”  
  
“I do.”  
  
“Now don’t screw up by speaking too much or with the new job. Get out of here I’ve got work to do.”  
  
I exit the room. That man is an ass and not the good kind. Is that what they really do cover up crimes for big ass noses when the little people suffer? They even cover the things up when the person is one of their own. I’m beginning to see and understand the whole picture.  
  
Right now I want to go home and take another shower I still feel dirty both in mind and body.  
  
It is hard to believe that I came out being raped and he just shrug it off and told me not to tell anyone. I feel even worse now, still like I want to cry, hug a warm blanket and eat vanilla ice cream.  
  
But right now I’ve got work to do.

 

 

  
The next day…  
  
I have to work the night package delivery, that means I have the day off and that means I’m going to spend the day in bed.  
  
Suddenly a knock on the door wakes me. I quickly get dressed in my cozy home sweat-shirt and –pants costume and go for the door.  
  
“Who is it?” I put my ear against the door.  
  
“You’re home, great. I’m the guy who got you inside that day when it was raining. You seemed to be in bad state and the thought didn’t leave me, I just came to check how you are and to see if you haven’t done anything stooped.”  
  
“Oh um I don’t believe I haven’t done anything stooped.”  
  
“That is good. Are you better now?”  
  
I look at the bruises on my arms “I don’t know. It is a lot to explain.”  
  
“If you want to talk then I’m already here.”  
  
‘Nice’ I made a total stranger worry about me. “Look do you want to come inside?”  
  
“It’s better than talking very loudly from behind the door.”  
  
I chuckle and open the door and there the man in his twenties is. He has some chocolate in his hands.  
  
“Hi I’m Nora.”  
  
“And I’m Shawn. Here I brought you some chocolate. It’s supposed to make people happier because of the happy endorphins being released when eating comfort foods.”  
  
“That’s very sweet but I really don’t eat chocolate, I never have liked the stuff.”  
  
“I’m sorry , I didn’t know.”  
  
“It’s the thought that matters.”  
  
We stand there awkwardly. It would be nice to call my savior inside for some coffee maybe, yeah that would be nice. “Do step in. Would you like some coffee?”  
  
“Not really, I’m not a coffee person ,but I wouldn’t mind a cup of tea?”  
  
“I’m sure I can find some.”  
  
I make my way to the kitchen while he takes a seat on the armchair, the same armchair that he sat on last time. I rummage through my cupboard and find some black tea with some lemon. I never have been much of a tea drinker, to me it is just hot water with some taste hence it is pointless.  
  
I get busy with the making of the drinks.  
  
I carry the drinks to the living room and place them on the small table.  
  
“Would it be possible to get some sugar for the tea?”  
  
“Oh yeah sorry, I forgot. I really don’t use sugar even in my coffee so it’s automatic that I don’t offer it to others.”  
  
“I understand it’s the same with me and offering coffee when someone comes over.”  
  
“Yeah life tends to be funny like that.” I grab my cup of coffee and let it warm my fingers as I breathe in the smell of it.  
  
Shawn points to my arms “I see that the bruises are almost gone and the swelling has gone down as well.”  
  
“I’ve gotten better, but I’m not quite healed yet.”  
  
He frowns “What happened to you?”  
  
“It is something I don’t want to talk about.”  
  
“Were you attacked?”  
  
“Something like that but as I said it’s something don’t like to talk about.” Wow the man does not know mw and he shows some worry for a random woman he met on the street.  
  
“Sorry for prying.”  
  
“You don’t have to be, as I said the thought is what matters.”  
  
I take a good and long sip of my hot and black coffee. Silence falls upon the place and I brake it “Why come checking up on a stranger who you helped just to get out of the rain.”  
  
“It really may seem strange that I came two days later but I don’t know there was this worry, that the person I helped wasn’t well, that the person might be in a very bad place, that you could do something stooped because you seemed so very broken at that moment.”  
  
“It is actually good that you came because I would probably have walked onto the street at that day and at that moment because I wasn’t thinking straight. In a way you did save me.”  
  
“It is good to hear, but how are you doing now?”  
  
I sigh “I have nightmares, I really don’t want to eat and it is hard just getting myself to a state of being ready to do well… anything.”  
  
“Do you also have some strange thoughts?”  
  
“Like what? Oh no I’m going to kill myself, I want to die sort?”  
  
“Something like that.”  
  
“Nope. I think I want to live but I just don’t see the reason, the goal, to work towards to.”  
  
“One thing that could actually help you is to speak with a psychiatrist. They can help you to think things straight for yourself.”  
  
“Are you some sort of head doctor or something because you really sound doctory.”  
  
He chuckles “Not really I’m an intern in a hospital nearby. I actually aspire to become a doctor but nothing is for sure.”  
  
“Oh wow, that is a hard job.”  
  
“Well there are a lot of night shifts, restless weeks, being pushed around, but it all is for a good goal. So what do you do?”  
  
He asked me about my job. Should I lie?- of course I should lie about that, I’m in a frigging gang that has ties all over this city and it would be bad if anyone got aa hunch of that especially now that I’m supposed to keep quiet.  
  
“It is basically delivering packages, delicate stuff that people don’t want normal curriers to know about because they might tell someone.”  
  
“And what do you deliver to them?”  
  
“Ha ha ha if I told you that then I would be really bad at what I do. It would breach the customer privacy policy. There is a similar thing with doctors ayn’t it?”  
  
“Yeah there is.”  
  
We have a little bit awkward conversation about the little stuff, some parts of work, food, weather drinks and so on. He is a nice guy, he has heart and that is a good quality, many people in this world just don’t care about anything or anyone other than themselves.  
  
Shawn and I actually agreed to meet up again some time when our busy schedules allow. I think that was one of the few similarities between us: the unpredictable job times. Other than that we’re very different from looks to some other stuff. He is on the taller side and I’m on the shorter side, I have dark hair he has light hair, I have dark brown eyes and he has blue eyes, he’s stile is formal and mine is comfy-casual, he likes tea with sugar and I like dark coffee with no sugar, in the eyes of society his job is good and mine is bad. I don’t believe I’ve ever met a person so different from me and it is interesting because before the most different person used to be my brother Johnny. I do miss him but I can’t be sure that I won’t blab about what has happened because he is just the person whom I trust with anything.  
  
I do hope that he is happy and doing well because he truly is a too good person for this world.  



	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Women who have abortions do so because thy value life and because they take very seriously the myriad responsibilities that come not just with birth, but with nurturing a human being." - Charlotte Taft

Pre-War Nora’s memory…  
  
  
I’ve shaved my head, began working out and I’ve taken up some self-defense clases. Pretty much all of my time is spent on work and classes because I’m not going to be weak again; I’m not going to be taken an advantage of again. I’m never going to be stepped on by some person who thinks that they are so big in the world that they can screw with me again.  
  
It seems that my brother Drake has gotten fully away from the gang, we met up a few times and he is moving to another state because for work reasons and thanks to the move he’ll get to buy himself a new home a ton cheaper with the support of the company.  
  
Johnny is well… Johnny. He writes when he can which isn’t that often and that’s about it.  
  
I’ve actually begun meeting up and talking more to this Shawn guy when our schedules match up of course. Actually we were supposed to go out to some new diner opened up in down town.

 

 

Pre-War Nora’s memory…  
  
I order a Nuka-cola and a giant burger, fancy lad cupcakes and some fries because I’m feeling really hungry.  
  
He just orders the medium burger fries and some tea.  
  
When we finally get the food I just dig in eating it all with great appetite.  
  
“You seem to be quite hungry.”  
  
“Uh-uh.”  
  
“Are you sure you are going to eat all of it?”  
  
“Uh-uh.”  
  
“You really have a good appetite.”  
  
I eat the food in my mouth and answer “Especially lately. Sometimes I find myself rummaging through my fridge in the middle of the night.”  
  
“You are almost like a pregnant woman then. They get also these cravings at strange times.”  
  
“Wait what?”  
  
“You’re like a pregnant woman with the strange appetites umm…not the fat part, or the whiny part. No offence.”  
  
I stop eating for a second to think: it can’t be… there’s no way that from that night when I was… taken an advantage of could have resulted in something like this.  
  
“Hey Nora are you still there?”  
  
“I… um. I think so. It’s nothing.”  
  
“Are you sure you look as if you’d seen a ghost.”  
  
“I think I have but let’s leave it at that. I’m not hungry anymore.”  
  
“Are you sure? You have so much of the food still left.”  
  
“Sorry Shawn I just remembered that I have booked a self-defense class in 20 minutes.”  
  
“Come on you can go another time.”  
  
“Self-defense is not a thing to glide over.”  
  
I hug him and give a pat on the back “See you another time. I have to hurry now.”  
  
“See you around Nora!”  
  
I kept a straight face, did he see through my terrible lie or did he believe me? I need to go to the Gang’s medical shack to get checked. It may seem strange but they want all of us going there with some medical issues because through the usual doctors and hospitals someone may make a connection to them and they could get into trouble.

 

 

  
Later that day…

  
I’m in the waiting room for the 24/7 open medical shack doctors. There’s some fella in there with a gunshot wound. Well these sorts of injuries I get why they want to be taken care of here, but when someone’s got the flu or something they still want us to come here- that makes no sense.  
  
The door opens and a man, with who I used to get the ‘currier’ training ,comes out with his hand in bandages. He looks at me, smiles and nods, I do the same. The door closes and I have to keep waiting.  
  
Not much time passes until I’m let inside.  
  
The room is small and white and there are these strange brown spots smudging the white walls and floor. The cupboards seem to be rickety and the room smells of antiseptic and rot, not a pleasant combination.  
  
The doctor is an older man with thinning hair and huge, round, thick glasses. He’s voice is raspy and indifferent “Name?”  
  
“Nora.”  
  
“Last Name?”  
  
“Bergstrom.”  
  
“What’s the problem?”  
  
I’m nervous and feeling a little nauseous. “Straight to business? Good attitude, efficient. Alright I think I’m pregnant.”  
  
“How long?”  
  
“How should I know? I have some suspicions, but I don’t know if I’m pregnant, yet.”  
  
“When’s the last time you had your period?”  
  
“I can’t really tell, it’s always been irregular. Perhaps… 3 or 4 months.”  
  
“Wait a second I’ll go and check something.”  
  
He stands up opens a drawer full of different files and sorts through them “Are you the Nora who went on a delivery and was raped by a senator?”  
  
“I am.”  
  
“Alright that changes things a little. Now let’s do some tests and examinations.”  
  
The old doctor had a blood test, a urine test done and gave me and examination. I had never been to a gynecologist, but I guess this was the first time. The instruments and doctor’s hands were cold, all of the equipment was eerie and the examination was most uncomfortable. I don’t like having my legs up and open in the air when a strange man takes a look at my lady-bits , well more than a look more like an insert and poke. Geeze I just wanted to get out of there already.  
  
“You can get dressed and wait behind the door. I’ll call you back in a bit.”

  
I never expected to be here with my life: waiting in a hallway that smells like piss and smoke for an old doctor who I can’t be sure is a doctor to give me news if I am pregnant or it’s something else.  
  
Finally the door opens and I’m let back inside. Sit down miss Bergstrom.”  
  
I comply.  
  
“There is no doubt that you are pregnant. As best as I can tell from the examination it’s about 4 months which matches with the time of the sexual assault. So now there’s the question: what do you want to do now?”  
  
“What options are there?”  
  
“There’s the option of having the baby or exterminating the pregnancy.”  
  
“Exterminate of course. I couldn’t’ look at the child because of the way it was created. I want to get rid of it, I don’t want any children. I’m too young to become a mother.”  
  
“It is the preferred course of action even by your superiors, but I’m still going to give you some time to think about it.”  
  
“There’s no need to think about it. I want it gone!”  
  
“So shall I book you an appointment for tomorrow? That still leaves some time to think if it is what you truly want.”  
  
“Book it.”  
  
“As you wish miss Bergstrom. The time will be at 16.00, tomorrow.”  
  
“See you tomorrow doctor.”  
  
“See you tomorrow MS Bergstrom.”  
  
I rush out from the room into the smelly hallway then out of the building entirely. It is only logical to get rid of the thing. I’m too young to become a mother, too young to have a family, too young to be responsible for another life. And even if I’d have the baby I couldn’t look into its eyes, I could not care for it because I know how it came into being. I hate its creation and thus I hate it. I want to leave that thing into the past and tough luck that you are a part of the thing, baby.  
  
I stroke my belly and whisper: “I’m sorry but it’s not time yet.”  


 

 

Pre-War Nora’s memory of abortion…  
  
I’ve arranged the next day so that I’ll be away from everyone I know, so that I wouldn’t have to speak to anyone because perhaps they’ll manage to speak me out of it and I don’ want that. I’ve made up my mind.  
  
I get a cab to drive me to down town and walk about 2 miles to the so called “Clinic”.  
  
To be honest I haven’t got an idea about what to expect. Will it be painful? Will it be uncomfortable? What will he do to me? So many questions and no answers, yet.  
  
The clinic is located in a 3 floored house on the second floor. The building itself looks as if a little stronger wind could blow it down. The walls are old as fuck wooden planks that have faded grey and are rotting. Some of the windows are thrown in and to add to the eerie look there are some addicts handing around the whole place. Some are walkin about, a couple are taking a new hit and there are a few laying on the ground perhaps sleeping, perhaps having a high or something worse.  
  
Behind the doc’s door is a bench that’s empty. I sit and wait and listen to the broken clock making its sounds. The clock tries so hard to tick but the pointers will not move and what is for show is the second pointer twitching once every second. A very fitting clock in a place like this.  
  
The “clinic’s” door opens and a voice calls out: “Miss Bergstrom!”  
  
I enter the room and pull the door shut behind me.  
  
The old man points to a chair “Take a seat.”  
  
I do as he said.  
  
“Now are you sure you want to go through with this?”  
  
I keep my answers short so I don’t have to overthink and thus change my mind “Yes I am.”  
  
“I’ll give you a quick run-through about what is going to happen. First I’ll examine you again then enter a speculum, then you’ll get the numbing medication or anesthetic, then I’ll use a serious of dilating rods to stretch the opening of your cervix and then I’ll just take the pregnancy tissue away from your uterus.”  
  
“Will it hurt?”  
  
“During the procedure it will be uncomfortable and afterwards you may have some bleeding and cramps.”  
  
“And you said something about the anesthetic?”  
  
“The gang will pay for the abortion but if you chose the anesthetic over the numbing pain medication then you’ll have to pay for that yourself.”  
  
“Uh-uh. Alright I’ll pay for the anesthetic and umm let’s get stared.”  
  
I change into a medical like hospital gown that is faded and discolored, probably because they reuse it after patients.  
  
I place my things on a chair and climb up onto the weird table that has the leg spreading thingies. I place my feet in those and the old doc gives me the anesthetic and told me to count upwards from one. “One, two, three, four…” My eyelids are getting heavy but I try to fight it “…five…” My vision is becoming blurry. For a moment my eyes close, but I fight them open again “…six…” then all is quiet.

 

  
I awaken from the procedure, still very woozy wanting to sleep and talk and walk around. I try to talk but the words don’t put themselves together correctly in a sentence and all is a weird slurr. I go back to sleep.  
  
I awaken some time later. The doctor is sitting behind the table and scribbles something onto some papers. I get up from the bed, it’s hard to find my balance but I manage it.  
The doc must hear me shuffling around and turns towards me “Miss Bergstrom you’re awake.”  
  
I nod.  
  
“I’ll leave you to change.”  
  
I put on my normal clothes and the doc comes back inside. “Now that the procedure is finished you can take your leave. Take it easy for a few days miss Bergstrom.”  
  
And just like that it’s done. I get a cab and go straight home and I’ll sleep for what it feels like a century.  
  
That day and the next one the cramps are bad, I can’t do anything but lay in bed and hug my pillow.

 

 

Third day after the abortion…  
  
On the third day I get out of my bed and actually eat and walk around. It still hurts, but not as much.  
  
When I’m making my lunch there’s a knock on my door and the visitor is my brother Drake. He seems to be a mess, he’s eyes are red and puffy, he’s hair looks like a dead animal and his hands are a little shaky.  
  
“I’m so glad that you are home, I thought that you may be working.”  
  
“Yeah I told my boss that I’ll take a week off.”  
  
“So you’ve heard?”  
  
“Heard about what?”  
  
“Da… he’s dead.”  
  
“Wait what? How?”  
  
“He collapsed at work because he’s appendix exploded.”  
  
“It can’t be…”  



	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Stubborn and ardent clinging to one's option is the best proof of stupidity." - Michel de Montaigne

Pre-War Nora’s memory da’s funeral…  
  
  
A week later it’s the funeral day and Shawn he’s with me. He took it upon himself to be there for me these days as much as he can. He’s a sweet guy he really cares.  
  
Today he has to go to work so I send him off at the door. A hug and a peck on the cheek.  
  
Then I get back to getting ready for the funeral. Another knock on the door. I go to answer it “Did you forget something?”  
  
And as I open my door my brother, Johnny, is there grinning back at me.  
  
“I just forgot a sweet kiss” he pouts his lips and makes kissy noises.  
  
I give him a shove and curse “Ass.”  
  
“Anyway who was that man playing kissy-face with my little sister? I need name, address, names of parents, his shoe size, medical record, his elementary report cards…”  
  
“Easy there, it’s nothing serious.”  
  
“A one night stander does not treat the other person that way either.”  
  
“Well it is a little more than that.”  
  
“You are killing me sis. Just let me inside and then we’ll really talk.”  
  
I tease “What is wrong with standing at the door of my apartment?” He cocks his eyebrow at me “I get it I get it. Sure just treat my couch right.”  
  
We really don’t talk. We are quiet while getting ready for the funeral.

 

 

At the funeral…

  
We get to the funeral and ma she runs at me and hugs me. She whispers “He loved you so much.” I wasn’t expecting my mother being so loving towards mw with the way I avoided her and da most of my life. This is unconditional fucking love that makes me feel really stooped and ashamed for myself.

 

  
Not many people turned up just our family and some work friends of da’s. That shows a lot about the person who he was. He was a man who had only family and work. He worked long hours so we could have a good life, so we could have a chance at a better life. What did I do for him in return? – nothing. What a great daughter I am.  
  
The ceremony is simple and in a way beautiful. The day is perfect too, sunny. Da would have said it is: Perfect for working. Damn it I miss the stubborn ole bastard.  
  
Still I can’t believe how stubborn I was avoiding him at every turn. Life indeed is fleeting and I’m feeling it with great regret.  
  
I should have sucked up my ride and communicated with the man, hell he should have been less proud and stubborn. We should have put more effort into having a good father-daughter relationship.  
  
So many thoughts and so many regrets. Where did I go so wrong?  
  
Johnny nudges my shoulder and points to the open grave and chairs. We should get going. Not the right time to keep father waiting, not anymore.

 

 

  
Soo many words are spoken, strangers and acquaintances giving their condolences and none if it really registers with me. I’m on automatic mode, just standing there and letting the tears flow.  
  
My head begins to spin and I feel something run down my leg. I look at mother and she looks down ant me and seems shocked. I collapse.

 

 

At the hospital…

  
I smell antiseptic. I open my eyes and I’m in a really brightly lit white room. A hospital, a real clean hospital. What the hell happened?  
  
I look at my side and see my mother holding my hand and crying “I was so scared honey. I feared that we were going to lose you too. My heart would not have handled it.”  
  
“Ma what is going on?”  
“You started bleeding really bad and collapsed. I drove you to hospital while your brothers handled the funeral.” She wipes her tears “The doctors took you to surgery and now you are fine.”  
“What was it about?”  
  
“They didn’t tell me, they wanted to speak to in person about that.”  
  
“Speaking of the devil missis Bergstrom I would like to have a moment with my patient. ”  
  
She nods and walks out of the room.  
  
“Miss Nora Bergstrom do you know what happened?”  
  
“I only know what my mother told me. Collapsing and surgery.”  
  
He humms “Did you have an abortion lately?”  
  
“I did.”  
  
“When did the procedure take place?”  
  
“A week and 3 days ago.”  
  
“And how long has the bleeding lasted?”  
  
“Since the abortion.” The doctors questions are making me nervous.  
  
“That explains it. The previous doctor didn’t do a good job, they left in a bit of the pregnancy tissue and it got infected. That caused the big bleeding. Miss Bergstrom you should have come here earlier. That way you could have avoided some severe consequences. ”  
  
“What consequences?”  
  
“I’m sorry to say but because of the infection you are left infertile. The chances of you having children are very low and that is an understatement. I’m really sorry. If you need then we have some people u can talk to.”  
  
“Fuck. The fact that I got an abortion and didn’t want a baby right now didn’t mean that I never want children. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”  
  
“I understand if you want a moment alone.”

 

 

Later the same day…

  
I’ve convinced ma to go home and change out of her funeral clothes. She was rather reluctant to leave me, she fears for me and I can’t blame her especially now when a week earlier father died.  
  
There is a knock on the door and my favorite brother comes into my room “How you doing kiddo?”  
  
“Shall I toughen up or pour my heart out?”  
  
“Do what feels better to you.”  
  
“Shit why do you have to be so understanding.” I sigh“ Johnny I need to tell you something, but I need you to promise that you are not going to tell anyone of this and that you are not going to be mad at me.”  
  
“Sis we have always tried to understand each other and I’m going to do my best, like always.”  
  
“Sit down this is a long story. There was this party…”  
  
I tell him of the night when Marcy died, how I joined, what I did, being raped, the abortion…  
  
I was expecting Johnny to be furious at me, but I was wrong again. He did try to understand. Of course he didn’t approve of what I’ve done, but he nodded and listened.  
  
After story time we had a long talk about me getting out of this life about relocating mother so she’d be safe. About how he is going to help me escape those bastards right this instant.  
  
It was just so classic Johnny, he even made me promise that I’ll turn my life around starting when I’m out of the hospital.

 

 

Pre-War Nora’s memory…  
  
This is the hospital where Shawn works at. He spent his every free moment cooing over me. He is sweet and a great person, but this isn’t going to last because I’m a fucking rotten human being, who does not deserve him.  
  
Hell I broke up with him, but he still kept on taking care of me in the hospital when he didn’t have to.

 

 

Pre-War Nora’s memory…  
  
Recap:  
  
A week later I used my leftover funds to buy a nice apartment in Boston for me and ma to live in. Jonny helped us to move in there.  
  
Drake and ma and some others pried for the reason of me being in the hospital, but I didn’t have heart to tell them of how low I’ve sunk. They may not understand like Johnny does and I don’t want them hating me.  
  
Broke all ties with old life.  
  
Now I’m healing.  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We cannot become what we want by remaining who we are." - Max Depree

Pre-War Nora’s memories…  
  
  
I’m better and I’m getting an education because I intend to honor my promise to Johnny. This is turning my life around.  
  
**  
  
Got into the Boston university. This is a hell of an achievement. Everyone in the family is proud.  
  
Choosing the specialty was not difficult I just had to thin a little. Being a lawyer is a good path because I can stand out for the good people help the poor people who are abused by big bosses and politicians, build cases against the pharmaceutics firms that cause death of so many poorer folk, just like my old friend who died when I was 16 because the doses of military grad psycho were calculated falsely. I want to bring down all the gangs by building cases against them and revealing them to the public.  
  
I feel like my whole life has lead up to me becoming a legitimate justice seeker.  
  
**  
  
Becoming a lawyer is difficult and it doesn’t make it easier that it is fucking expensive. During the day I go to classes and study and at every free moment I do odd jobs like fixing stuff. There are so many people in the university who want their terminals fixed, hacked in because they forgot the password. I also do wiring, change lightbulbs, fix home appliances and vehicles. At moments it feels like I should have gone into engineering, like my father. Maybe later when I’ve finished the lawyer thing I could keep on studying.  



	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Love is stronger than death..." - From the Crow

Pre-War Nora’s memories…  
  
  
One day me and ma got the dreaded message. Johnny is dead. He was killed in action and that was all we were let to know. We will get his ashes when the 108th Infantry Regiment gets their leave.  
  
And there was I thinking that life was going uphill, that everything finally was good and then universe kicks me in the solar plexus.  
  
It is difficult to keep going, but I have to keep my promise to him. I won’t let Johnny down again.  
  
When in school and when with people I have my strong mask on and I push through, but when I’m alone I just cry. Moments like these I feel like going back to the gang life because that’s where the cheap drinks and mind numbing drugs are, but I can’t, J would be disappointed. Instead of poisoning myself and rotting my mind with drugs and alcohol I spend more and more time in my private one room apartment that I got some time when the funds were looser to get some privacy and to have a place where to keep my tools and spare parts.  
  
My grades have taken a blow too, who can blame me. How would anyone else feel like it the only person in their lives who understands them, who listens, who they love, who is their best friend decides to kick the bucket. It is a wonder I keep functioning as well as I’m doing right now.  
  
**  
  
The day of the funeral. Another sunny day. To everyone else it is just another day. To me and my family it is another loved one going away forever, another piece of us gone.  
  
The army funeral ceremony is beautiful, elaborate and formal. The people here are many, people from the army, his old friends from school. My best guess would be that there are over 100 people here. That is a lot of hand shaking and hugging when people come to say that they are sorry for him dying. It’s not like their sorrys are going to make anything better, those are just empty words they, don’t make me feel any better, they make me feel awkward just standing there nodding and saying thank you for your condolences. This is so shallow, so fake so empty. This is why I hate funerals it is all empty words and interactions that don’t matter because the dead person in whose honor it is held are not going to be brought back by it.  
  
When all of the theatrics are over then Chocolate finds me and we exchange no words, we just hug and cry for a while. We are just two women who loved Johnny in their different ways.  
  
I thought that the funeral ceremony was bad, but I was wrong the wake was even worse. Saying toasts, eating crying and laughing when I can only think about that this should not be, that Johnny didn’t deserve this, that he never should have joined. Perhaps I could have stopped him back in the day.  
  
I was the last person to leave. I convinced mother to stay with Drake for a while because he needs her more. In a way it is true because I need just time to myself so I can heal eventually, if I’m lucky.  
  
I step outside and put on a cigarette and look for the lighter from my purse.  
  
“Hey there need a light?”  
  
“Shit Nate, do you have to sneak up on me like that?”  
  
“Didn’t sneak up on ya it was the other way round. I bugged out, too many fake people and all of it felt like too much, you know. I’ve been here for a while havin a moment of silence.”  
  
“Sure light it.” I take a deep puff.  
  
“So Nate you really cared.”  
  
“Yeah, hard to believe, isn’t it. Johnny was a good person, a good friend and I’ll miss him very dearly.”  
  
“I know how it feels. But hey, I’ve had enough of this place. I’m going to go somewhere and get wasted. Johnny would normally disapprove, but today he’d understand.”  
  
“Looking for any company?”  
  
“Not really, but as I once said to a close person: the moment you do this shit alone is the moment you’ve got a problem and I ayen’t looking for another problem.”  
  
“That applies for drugs and alcohol, but I’ll tag along because the lure of being wasted sounds too great.”  
  
We make our way to the nearest bar and start doing shots. Then we join a card game where the penalty for pretty much any action is to take another shot. We get drunk pretty fast and at some time in the night Nate who can’t walk quite straight walks me, another person who can’t walk straight, home, well to my private apartment.  
  
“Thanks for taggin awlong.”  
  
“Pfft, thanks for havn’ me with ya.”  
  
I lean in and kiss him on the cheek “G’night suldier man.”  
  
He kisses me on the nose “Night heartbwraker.”  
  
I give him a peck on the lips. He doesn’t pull away so I devour his mouth. He lifts me up and a wrap my legs around him. He struggles to keep us up straight, but that is not for long. H closes the door to my apartment and drops me on the bed.  
  
I pull off his suit without breaking the needy kiss. He pulls back and slurrs “Ya sure ya woant to do this?”  
  
“Fuck everythin an everyon. Just get back ere and fuck me.”  
  
We spend a night full of drunken grieving mindless sex together.

 

 

The next morning…

  
I wake up with Nate, my bothers military best friend naked in my one person bed. I must have been truly wasted to do that.  
  
I climb out of the bed and go to clean myself up and have a long cold shower. When I get out of the room I see him making some coffee in the kitchen corner of the room.  
  
“Hey heartbreaker. I’m makin some coffee and we need to talk. Oh and don’t worry you can change, I’ll just turn my back, don’t want to invade your privacy.”  
  
“Shhh, speak a tad bit more quietly and there is no need to turn anything. I’m not shy and  
there is nothing here you haven’t seen on me or any other woman out there.”  
“Okay, tell me how much sugar do you want?”  
  
I throw off my towel and pull on my greasy jeans and a t-shirt. For some reason I do love the smell of mechanical grease. “No sugar”  
  
“Sure thing.”  
  
I dig around in one of my drawers and finally find it- a pack of aspirins. I walk up to the kitchen table on which are two cups of coffee and a broken phone and a circuit board with some wires. I slide the aspirins on the table “Aspirin here, Nate. If you need some water then get a glass from the same cupboard where these coffee cups come from.”  
  
“No need for that.” He takes a pill from the pack and drops it in his morning coffee. It is strange to see another person drink their aspirin and coffee at the same time. I do the same. The taste of the freaky drink that is aspirin coffee isn’t bad at all.  
  
“So tell me what you wanted to talk about.”  
  
“I’m sorry for what happened last night. It was selfish of me to take an advantage of you when you were in such a delicate situation.”  
  
“Sorry but you can shove you apology. Soldier boy it was just sex, it didn’t mean anything and you weren’t the only one using the other person for their selfish gain.”  
  
He puts down his coffee cup “Whoa I was not expecting that.”  
  
“Hey I’m a big girl and I can handle casual sex. I say that it happened and now we will be grownups about it and move on.”  
  
“A good idea heartbreaker.”  
  
“Yeah, I tend to get those once in a while.”

 

 

Wasteland Nora reminisces…

  
Form that day on we started speaking with Nate more often. When he was on tour we wrote letters. When I graduated he was at the graduation ceremony and after getting wasted with my school buddies I went to the place where Nate was staying at looking for some physical love. Nothing happened and the next day we went to the park to walk around and impulsively indulge in those previously mentioned physical activities.  
  
Not soon after he goes back on his mission and I found out that I was pregnant. I wrote to him about the news and explained that I didn’t expect anything from him, but the next time he came back he took me to a place called Sanctuary and said that that was our new home and promised that he’ll get out of military soon and that the next time he will be back we will get married. At the time I was about 5 months pregnant.  
  
On the next time when Nate was back he was back forever, he was a war veteran and he saw our baby for the first time. He wanted to name the kid Shaun after his grandfather, who also used to be a soldier.  
  
A month later we get married.  
  
Before the bombs fell we used to joke that we were all backwards because it is supposed to be: fall in love, marry, have sex, buy a home, have a child. With us it was hate, tolerate, have sex, become friends, have a baby, buy a house, get married and fall in love.  
  
Shit I’m not saying that my life before was easy, but I’m saying that my life finally made to great. And at that point in life it seemed like the universe was going to give me a brake from all the shit.  
  
Seven months later the bombs fell.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a mouthful to edit and write in one day thus I apologize for the armada of all sorts of mistakes that you read.
> 
> So there is a theory that the SoSu is a synth so this is what I was trying to hint at different points in this story. I’m not saying that the SoSu is always a synth it is all a matter of how a person wants to roleplay the game. I just want to make people think about the crazy theory and have some fun.
> 
> PROS:
> 
> Think about it the SoSu is pre-war and their immune system is pre-war to so coming into contact with the world of the Wealth can be too much for their immune system.
> 
> It makes also more sense why the father treats the SoSu as an experiment because they are an experiment. They are a gen 4 synth, father’s personal pet project.
> 
> It makes sense why a lawyer can survive, fight and learn new skills fast and why they can speak the language 200 years later.
> 
> It would not make sense to keep 1 cryo pod active when they are short on power and when they have the specimen (Father aka Shaun).
> 
> DIMA- because to him the SoSu can admit that they remember everything from the point of the bombing day.
> 
> I repeat: There are a ton of more pros and cons, but in the end it comes to how you want to roleplay the character.  
> I’m really grateful that you made it this far.


End file.
